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Aaah, Middle School

August 27, 2012

One of the saddest and most beautiful things about a middle school crush is that, though you may think that you are alone in your pining, searing, soul-rending love for someone, you are, in fact, not alone at all.

Let me explain.

I am fairly confident that if someone did a study on a sixth grade class, any sixth grade class, and asked each sixth grader to confidentially reveal the object of his/her affections, the diagram that would be used to illustrate the findings from this study would reveal that all of the lines issuing from the straight girls’ names would lead to only one boy’s name, and all of the lines coming from the straight boys’ names would lead to the name of only one girl.  Hence, though you may have thought that, as a middle schooler in love, you were pining alone, you were actually pining in very good company.

The lines on the diagram from the straight girls of my sixth grade class would have led directly to Spence Donald* (*name changed to protect the studly), and my diagrammed line was no different from anybody else’s.  Spence was nothing short of a Greek god packaged down into a sixth grader’s body: blue eyes, golden tan, athletic build, and, most importantly, adorable braces which made him look like a teenager.

Spence and I sat next to each other in science class.  Not because we had chosen to do so (I would have chosen to sit next to you, Spence!), but because we were the sixth grade equivalent of lab partners.  One day (I’ll never forget it), we had to color a picture of a cell, indicating the different cell parts using different colored pencils.

Realizing that I had no crayons or colored pencils with me, I began to feel the middle school raincloud of shame forming around me.  (You may remember it: the air leaves the room, your face burns, your eyes pucker, your throat drops out of your body, etc.)  Just as I was about to raise my hand and reveal to the teacher that I had arrived unprepared for class, Spence noticed my predicament and said with a shrug, “You can borrow mine.”

And the raincloud vanished.  And the heavens opened, and golden sunlight poured down on my face.  Spence’s colored pencils!  Oh, and he had spoken to me!  My face flushed with vermillion splotches and my heart pounded and my palms and armpits sweated happily as I used his green colored pencil to illustrate the endoplasmic reticulum.  Much of this sixth period class is now a rose-colored blur to me, but I do think that I also used his red pencil.

Unfortunately for me and for all of the other sixth grade girls, Spence found himself a girlfriend that year of the seventh grade variety, which was something that none of us could ever compete with.  But we never did cease to admire Spence.  Even when I got to college and showed my new roommate my senior year high school yearbook, she paused on Spence’s page and said, “Who’s that?

The moral of the story is, it’s a good thing that most of us don’t get the opportunity to choose our future spouses when we are in sixth grade.  Otherwise, we would have some form of a harem system going on in our households.  Spence would have had quite a number of willing harem girls.  And incidentally, his then seventh grade girlfriend would have had her pick of harem boys.

At some point, we do learn to differentiate our tastes somewhat from those of our peers.  And for this reason, most of us should feel very grateful.  Because even if we feel that certain people do get more babes than is their fair share, we should comfort ourselves in that at least we’re no longer in middle school.

  1. My line was easily identifiable as the one that made a left turn and headed right for the girl all the straight boys’ lines were pointing at ….

    • Ha! Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to spot the young middle school non-hetero if his/her line varies at all from the rest.

      I remember my sister’s best friend, a boy who later came out as gay, when asked who he thought the hottest female celebrity was, answered, “Susan Sarandon” without any hesitation.

      And he was right, I might add. She is a beautiful woman! But perhaps not one that the average middle school boy would most appreciate.

      Thanks for reading! 🙂

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