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The Thirteenth Post

August 14, 2012

Let me give it to you straight, folks.  This is the thirteenth post that I will be making on my blog.  This is a momentous occasion, just because of all of the things that could possibly go wrong.

Trembling all the while, I will make a list of thirteen ways in which the number thirteen has been or could be potentially disastrous to me in my lifetime.

1.) It is possible that you will never see this post.  I am not saving as I type.  Perhaps I will lose everything before I hit publish, and these words and thoughts will be banished to the nothingness that lies just beyond the reach of my memory.

2.) I have recently moved into a new house.  It is nice, but rather old.  And it is located in a cockroach-friendly climate.  And I have seen roaches, folks.  Roaches like you wouldn’t believe.  Only one of them was alive, but the corpses!  The corpses alone would make your blood run cold.  And if I had to estimate the number of cockroaches, living and dead that I have born witness to since moving in two weeks ago, I would put that number at very close to…thirteen.

3.) I am afraid of digital clocks.  Sometimes, when I look at digital clocks, the number thirteen flashes up as if it has been waiting for me.  (Examples: 4:13 p.m.  10:13 a.m.).  But even worse are the hidden backwards thirteens that lurk in 8:47 a.m. and, worst of all, 12:47 a.m.  Do you see it?  Dare I show you?  What, my friends, is 60 – 13?  It’s 47.  So just because the clock doesn’t show you the number thirteen outright, don’t think that you can escape quite so easily.

4.) Correct me if I’m wrong.  Christian biblical numerology states that the number ten is the holiest of numbers.  It symbolizes 3X3 (three holy trinities multiplied by three more holy trinities!), and then it adds one number to grow on for an extra holiness factor.  But thirteen, I would imagine, is a highly perverted and terrifying number because it has the APPEARANCE of holiness (one ten PLUS a bonus holy trinity, right?).  But apparently that is just what the Dark Lord would have you believe.  Creepy.

5.) Freddy Kruger managed to scare me even though I was never allowed to (nor did I ever want to) see the movie.

6.) Is it a coincidence that the age of thirteen happens to coincide with seventh grade?  I think not, my friends.  I think not.

7.) I cannot think of a single way to cut a pizza, a pie, or a birthday cake into thirteen equal slices.  This meant that last year, when I had a tiny class of twelve fifth graders, I could never have a piece (unless the food item contained nuts, in which case I got the piece that would have otherwise gone to the girl who had nut allergies).

8.) Thirteen is such a letdown.  You think, “Woohoo!  I’m finally a teenager!”  I won’t waste time belaboring this point.

9.) Speaking hypothetically here: if you have had “relations” with twelve people in your life, it is probably best that you go ahead and settle down with one of the people with whom you have already had relations, keeping your number at a safe twelve.  It is much better this way than risking either the inevitable danger of that thirteenth encounter OR the even more dangerous likelihood that your thirteenth encounter will be followed by a long drought….leaving you STUCK on thirteen…and in constant peril until you can find number fourteen.  (If this were me, so great would my terror be, I would probably resort to Club Razoo on Bourbon Street.)

10.) If you eat M&M’s, and you don’t count them as you eat, how will you know which is the potentially lethal thirteenth?  My suggestion is that you eat everything in pairs to avoid this horror.

11.) Most terrifying of all are the unknown thirteens.  Walking around the house?  Make sure you begin every journey with your right foot and end it with your left.  That way you’re sure to hit an even number of steps and to avoid the dreaded thirteenth, the potential fall to your doom or to a sprained ankle…and who wants to be on crutches when the weather’s so nice?

12.) I am almost done.  Almost.  All of my fingers and three of my toes shake, but my heart is stout.

13.)

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4 Comments
  1. Good luck with this post. You had me laughing! I really like your blog. You seem to share my humor. Check mine out when you have a chance. The most current post is a response to the one before but…well it is all linked. If you do I hope you laugh. If you don’t thanks for sharing yours. You had me laughing.

  2. I love your blog! It’s very funny, and I definitely laughed out loud. I love the one where you’re trying to get to sleep. I also like what you do with links and pictures and characters. Very high tech and creative. Keep it up! 🙂

  3. lol, I would say its a very funny 13th post 🙂 Love your style and sense of humor. Just be sure to go to sleep with your mouth closed and your ears plugged with something…lol

    • Gaaaah!!! Sometimes it’s best not to think about the roaches. It would probably be more comforting if there really were only thirteen.

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